Sunday, February 27, 2011

Journal Entry 17

That Thundercat Lunchbox my men snagged? Instantly sold for around 40 bucks. As for that totem pole, well, it makes for a lovely bathroom decore- Anyway, so all of yesterday I had a sort of lazy day: I had a few henchmen go out to get Oscar some .. Hedge hog food, a few others to round up some demons to blast them to smitherines, a failed attempt at laundry, and an enjoyable lunch of a ham and cheese sandwhich, I decided to lay off the chips..
Afterwards I decided to take a snooze (I had Charlie go out and mug a few shoppers from Bed, Bath, and Beyond and it turns out they had these satin sheets. The plush color lives up the place.) And here I awake a day later.. Sunday.

I really, really had to do something today, maybe take this pen out for another whirl. I was hoping to come across Captain ass wipe sometime soon, see the look on his face. HAH. I just had to do.. SOMETHING! I began to pace around my study, Oscar snug on my arm. Then he and I went out into the sitting room to admire the new furniture, it was extravegant! In awe of my new dining room table a henchman of mine shuffled in, drinking out of a paper cup- a fancy paper cup actually... "YOU THERE!" I bellowed, pointing at the henchman, "What is that?" The henchman lowered his decorated cup away from him. "'Tis a Caffe Misto, sire!" I snatched it away from him as he was to take another sip. I guess the cup wasn't all too great, really. It showed some broad with a crown and wavey hair on it. I think she's wearing a sweater.. Whatever it is upon the cup I decided to take a drink, I was feeling peckish.
Dare I say.. This fancy crap tasted good. Very good. It was milky, warm.. Had a sweet auroma. I held the cup before me, turning it around to find that woman. "..Starbucks." I read outloud, tossing the cup back at the henchman. I smack my lips, "Star.. Bucks.." I repeated, really having no clue of these words. "Henchman, I've taken a liking to your beverage, where did you find it!?" The little man babbled on about some cafe at the corner of some street. So this Starbucks is near me it seems.. So with that I found out what I was to do today.
Go to Starbucks.

Cafe's are usually harmless, from what I know, but Captain kiss ass could of been out and about. I at the moment didn't feel like dealing with him and his tights. I took three henchmen and Charlie, who by the way was wearing a very nice black turtle neck. It really suits him.. Maybe I should get a turtle neck too, a black and a kashmir type..

We made it to Starbucks. It was a decent sized place, and by the looks of people running in and our the door, along with a few who sat outside on their laptops, or reading some type of useless book, it was a very busy place. I was thinking of how to get in.. There's much glass all around the store, a roof.. But for once I didn't really feel like causing a wreckus, so I went in right though the main entrance. (However, I did blast the door off with my pen. I had to do something.) It was very relaxing in this place. No sort of pastels, just browns and tans, low lights, comfy chairs, and of course the smell of coffee. But what a line! It was mostly full of these kids in sweatshirts, unbearably tight jeans and these strange, clothy.. boots? I think.. Whatever they are they were making my eyes hurt. So with a clap of my hands I instantly summoned small bolts of lightning to the people's feet, the horribly created footwear vanishing from sight! And what did I know, I was up to order! I scanned the rather large menu above my head, all these weird little words with 'chino' and 'frap' were at the end of everything. Frapcoffee, coffeechino, chocolatefrap, chinomint, blah, blah, blah. The woman at the counter stared at me blankely, as if she wanted something from me. Charlie gave me a nudge, telling me to place my order- that being the chico matter frap cafe malto.. That thing I had earlier! I didn't leave with just a lousy cup of coffee, oh no. See, remember my ability to teleport? After much sleep, planning and thinking, I conjured up the idea of teleporting objects with me- I also had four other men with me, so it shouldn't be so hard! I had Charlie hold my chinofrap as I hopped over the counter and to the machine which craft this delicious beverage. My henchmen followed, I told them to grab ahold of some equipment and me- we'll be back for the workers later. With a mightly clap of my hands WE POOFED!

Now, I sit here with Oscar in my lap, enjoying my third muchofrappchino as I do some writting and enjoy the fresh coffee smell and cries of the Starbucks workers in my new addition to my place.

What a great day!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Journal entry 16

You remember that exploding pen I used the other day? Well I decided to keep it. However, owning a powerful artifact in the mortal realm and using it, especially for my line of work, is... difficult to get an ownership license for. For starters, the citadel head doesn't even like me. He looks at the super villain-ing as a joke and a cry for attention. He just doesn't get the glamor of it all! Well, believe it or not, I had to get HIS approval to use the damn thing.

So on my way to his office, which felt like fucking high school, I thought about the excuses I could make to actually having ownership of this. "Why yes, I do intend to use it to fight menacing demons that are out of my-I mean, the worlds control." After climbing a thousand and one steps (long story short the guy they hired to build it forgot to stop at one thousand) to the tower of the master (not mine,) I had to cast a spell of thrice times knocking, and was allowed to enter. "Why the hell are you here?!" He thundered! Asshole... I requested ownership of a magical explosive writing utensil. "Oh, what, to rob banks with?" HOW DARE HE! I haven't robbed a bank in all the years I have been super villaining. I told him such as well, and dared him to find proof! I do not stoop so low as stealing mortal mens currency. He simply stared at me. I then pulled out the big one: "Look, I'll only use it if there's a demon present." He stared at me more. "Promise?" "For god's sake yes! Gimme the damn pen!" He gave me his all mighty stare into the soul, and proclaimed to all that I was the new owner of the explosive writing wand!

Score.

So after leaving the citadel, I decided to take the pen out for a heist. Don't worry there will be demons present! They'll be mine of course, but there will be demons there! I remembered reading in the news paper that the antiques road show was in town, and knew that there would not only be very rare and valuable artifacts, but perhaps something that I could put into my study... Or maybe some cute shoes... maybe a matching robe too. I do need a new robe, after all. I also remember reading there would be an auction as well. I know I'll hit it big this time. I loaded the henchmen into the convoy of evil and set off! I thought we would first hit the road show, they usually have everything on display right there, whereas auctions have their stuff hidden. Don't feel like looking on the first go.

Okay, so, dunno how many of you have ever been to an antiques road show, but it's kind of weird. See, they usually set it up in a building of some sort... but this is little rock... so they had to set it up in a really big ass tent. I just... felt ashamed of trying to rob it... So instead what we did was knock over the truck and drive off.

So, that was a huge failure, and quite frankly embarrassing. So we then headed to the auction. Now, this would be promising. I ordered the men to enter in civilian clothing, but to keep their hoods up, and I would keep my mask on. I have to keep my identity a secret after all... We marched into the auction to find quite a fast talking fellow, and piles of old crap. I pulled up a brochure to find... well... crap, basically. On the list was an old porno on betamax, an elvis pin ball machine (whoever the hell that is...) a mint in box abraham lincoln bust with the hat missing... a thundercats lunch box!? What the hell IS this!? I just... there's literally no words to put into how I felt at that VERY moment.

You remember charlie, don't you? My second in command? Well, he was there with me, and gave me council. "Do you still want to do this? We can always go home ykno. Go somewhere else..." "No, charlie, no. We must do this, for the other men. They must see that their master is not disheartened by pathetic junk!" "But... this is pathetic junk." I simply stared at him. After a moment, I yelled "NOOOOOW!" And striked into action, ionizing the atmosphere and floating into their. AUCTIONEER! I thunered, YOU WILL STAND ASIDE AS WE PLUNDER (god... plunder... I can't believe I actually said that... Who says plunder anyways!?) YOUR PRICELESS GOODS! Little did I know that he was The Auctioneer!

Let me tell you about this... guy... You see, he was an auctioner, and we all know that their special talents are speaking really, really, fast. Well, one day he was auctioning off some toxic waste (God knows why) and it pretty much exploded onto him while speaking. This transformed his vocal chord and lung functions into a powerful speech super power! He is able to knock people on their asses with his voice, confuse them by speaking fast, and even make them unconscious by overloading their brains with fast speech. It is that powerful. Now, usually people like that would become super villains or something. What does he do!? He works! He's a fucking good guy!

I really wish I recognized him, because by god he gave it to us. He stared at me and let out a powerful boom of his voice, hurling me across the room. Meanwhile, my students got to work to dispose of this menace to villaining kind! The Auctioneer simply boomed his voice, confused my men, and knocked out my students. The little bastard! I had no choice. I had to call out a retreat. But before I did that, I put up the best kinetic shield I could, approached him, and filled his brain with horrible visions of depravity and mister rogers! Do not ask me what images of him I put into his mind, you don't wanna know...

After a hasty retreat and stealing what little we could find (We got the lunch box, might sell that on eBay, and one of the men managed to steal a totem pole, to my amazement) we simply headed back to the bunker and sent some of the men to the infirmary...

What a day...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Journal entry 15

Should I be giving those titles names or something.... maybe calling each of them "Journal entry" just sounds very star trekky to me... Oh well, I'm sticking to it.

So I'm sore as hell but not sore enough to where I can't plan to steal an ass-tonof priceless antiques today. My sitting room needs to be refurnished and I don't intend on buying anything. We're a little broke... I gathered my students of the night into the shuttles (Maybe I'll rob a car dealership while I'm at it... these shuttle vans are starting to look weird...) and headed to the nearest antique store. Shortly after arriving I gathered all of my men and gave EXPLICIT instructions on using no magic at all! I don't want something catching on fire! The last time that happened the chair collapsed on me when I tried to sit in it. Took hours to get all the splinters from my-...nevermind...

It went a lot easier than I expected. I guess when you've got a bunch of masked guys and their leader is floating about two feet into the air, no one really wants to put up a fight. I perused the very lovely selection of fine red wood chairs and tables, and they even had one of those long backed chairs that I have been wanting since I saw beauty and the beast.

We loaded up the shuttle vans with my new furniture and drove back to my place. Unfortunately we had to leave a few students behind to make room for my new dining room table. I'd pick them up eventually. After arriving home, I found a note on my door, specifying that I come over next door, and that the greatest of urgency of my arrival was required! I believe my neighbor is the praying mantis, a strange insect themed criminal. He isn't a very good super villain... I've always thought of animal super villains as second grade anyways.

He said he needed some help with, apparently, a "ghost haunting." I thought it was adorable... The idea that ghosts would tie themselves to a physical structure is absolutely ridiculous. Let me clear that up right now: I have been a dark magician for twenty five years now, and not once have I ever found a haunted house. Not that I went looking, mind you, but I've never been summoned by one. I humored him, however, and took a quick look around the house. I figured I'd just charge him for this...

However his sentiments rang true, for it was not a spirit haunting his house, NAY! It was the haunting odor of an unemptied cat box! I hit the praying mantis man, and then left.

About that time it was 12:20, and I decided to have lunch. I ordered one of my henchmen to make the usual: ham and cheese with sprinkled bar-be-que chips on the top! But I wanted something different so I went with the grilled option this time. The grilled sandwich was most delectable, HOWEVER, it would have to be put on hold, for I had totally forgotten that I was going to raid captain assholes hideout! You see, commander freedom is usually out of his home on day patrols, doing god knows what, perhaps helping little old ladies across the street, or rescuing kitties out of the trees. Adorable. However, on this day he should have been protecting his homestead!

The plan was simple: Trash the place and download any information that we needed, whatever the hell that meant. Luckily I was not in charge of that portion. We had everything we needed: spray paint, bats of the baseball kind, hammers, my explosive writing pen, and of course our magic. We did not use the shuttles this time, because I wanted to test out a new form of mass teleportation. I can only take about ten people with me, so the rest would have to stay behind. It would be myself, eight students, and two of our students who are good with computers, along with spray cans and the other arsenal. I made the necessary preparations, and then chanted the spell, and with a thunderclap we were gone!

Now, something I think I missed. Perhaps I should have gotten the coordinates, but whatever it was, we wounded up into the house of the former Kremlin in Moscow. Quite embarrassing. I had to go outside and make the preparations with yellow snow... And once again, with another thunderclap, we were gone! This time, we ended up in the middle of a french fashion show. I despise both the french and fashion, so before we left I lit the place on fire! Fashion is nothing more than a desperate cry for help if you ask me. So, again... and we finally landed into the backyard of... my house.... UGH if I had known that mass teleportation was this frustrating I would have simply taken the shuttles!!!! I retreated to my spell book to look up what it was I was missing. It turns out that I must actually write the coordinates into the gaps of the circle, otherwise it turns into a random mass teleportation. It's no wonder I didn't wind up in the earths core.

Finally, finally, after all that nonsense, we were in front of commander morons house. We proceeded to act like "homies" and trashed his place, starting with that hideous car! Turns out commander freedom was not as stupid as I had thought. He set up a laser defense system. I casted a spell of unseen, and we had to quickly move to disable the laser system, or I would have to change my name to The Crispy Magic Man. The two tech students of the night found his computer system, and quickly casted a spell of BSOD, but I don't remember teaching them that, perhaps it stands for binding spell of doom.... I will have to ask them that later... While they worked on mister freedmonts computer, I proceeded to use my pen of explosive to write my name on his walls, IN EXPLODING FIRE! SO THAT HE KNOWS NEVER TO CROSS SWORDS WITH ME AGAIN! The rest of my men went to smashing priceless art work, couches, furnitures, and lamps. I believe a few of them took to jumping on his bed. TAKE THAT! When my tech students had finished with their work, I ordered a hasty retreat to the seven eleven down the street! There, we would mass teleport back to my house.

I have yet to hear of commander freedom, I am assuming he is grieving at the loss of his house hold security. But I can't help feel that I have forgotten to do something... Oh well, I suppose it is not that important...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Journal entry 14

What is today Wednesday? I think it's Wednesday. Not really sure...

So today I was able to actually move, but not too much, so I decided to go on a little journey. Let me tell you of the underworld citadel that I belong to.

Firstly, to get there, you must have a gateway somewhere in your house. It has to be your closet, there is no other choice. I hang all of my clothes on a separate rack. So, once you have set it up, you simply walk in. Which is what I do from time to time. So, once I walk in, I am taken to the outskirts of the citadel, which is held up by a thousand and one soulless beings, frozen in place forever. It's a bit unnerving to know that any second now this huge thing is going to just fall to the ground with a thump, and then I'd be sky rocketed to the ceiling. I mean really I just got out of a bad injury... Anyways, the reason for my trip was to pick up a magical tome, with which I need to learn a few more spells for my arsenal. Perhaps a magical weapon as well, maybe a force helmet... Some milk, bread, butter... Just the essentials. I don't really go to the grocery store, the citadel has it's own food supply readily available to all members of the citadel.

I did actually need pens due in fact that my students have been taking mine and not returning them...Unfortunately they didn't exactly have a very well stocked pen collection so I just had to take a quill and then continue on my way. I really did wish my students had not taken my pens and I needed to pick up this quill, but I'll get into that later.

So I did peruse through their rentals of magical items, including capes, hats, books of course, and slippers... Which I just HAD to have! They were my color! I went to the desk clerk to get some information on said slippers. Now, this isn't like freakin cinderella, these slippers are more like loafers. But! What they do is... well, interesting. They are sneaky slippers. They leave no foot prints, no sound,  and no heat trace. I had to stare at him... what use would any of us in the citadel need for... for these... ninja shoes!? He simply shrugged. Damn book keepers. So I just checked them out anyways, I figure I could use them for my late night snacking that I've been told not to do.

After my visit with the citadel I came back home and had some work that needed to be done. I always wanted to use an old fashion quill! I even summoned myself an old ink pot. I was so savoring this first usage, and began to write. Suddenly my paper burst into flames! After putting it out, I simply stared at the quill, wondering what exactly I got. I wrote in the air, and my wall exploded. EUREKA! I had picked up an explosive writing wand! I've always wanted one of these.

A few of my students rushed to my "aide" and I had to ward them off. I merely told them that I had accidentally picked up an explosive writing wand, and that we would need to stop off at office max. I can't wait to use this tomorrow! I plan to assault Commander Freedoms base of operations!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

journal entry 13

So I'm a little high on pain killers right now, and honestly nothing happened today. I watched re runs on the television and crappy old movies on turners classic movies channel. Wish I knew who this turner guy was, because he has horrible tastes in movies!

We had a few invasions, but it was nothing the students couldn't handle. Some of the neighbors came by to see how I was, they brought flowers and free snacks as well. I always liked a good fruit basket. My master and The Caped Conjurer came by for a visit and to, apparently, make fun of me... the assholes...

So I'll tell you a bit about the movies I was forced to suffer through. One was about these six or seven or nine... I couldn't really keep track... japanese swordsmen. They were defending some village against bandits. I WAS hoping the bandits would win, but no these girls in dresses saved the day. Just once I'd like a bad guy to win! One of them had some rediculously huge sword too. Someone's compensating, eh?

The other film was about a guy in a wheel chair who was spying on his neighbors. I guess he broke his leg or something, so he took up voyeurism. It's not like I saw him with any books or anything, so there's no possible way he had nothing better to do than to see what his neighbor was having for lunch. It turned out to be a murder mystery though, so that was kinda interesting, I guess... seeing as how my nemesis does that for a living, the prick...

And by the time the pain killers we're starting to kick in, breakfast at tiffanys was playing, but I fell asleep half way through it. Something about some girl and a cat named cat... Creative...

Right now I have what is known as a laptop computer. It's a small device with a type writer apparatus and a viewing screen attached to one another. It's rather thin and rather heavy. What these devices are used for besides something called "myface" is beyond me. So that is how I am making my journal widely viewable for everyone.

Oh and my therapist has seen my journal entries. He does not approve but I told him to cram it, this is the only way I am doing it. He wants me to write more about not just what happens in my days but how I am also feeling. Does he even read these or does he skim them!? THIS MAKES ME VERY ANGRY!! How's that you shrink prick!? I had my freak out moment in the nut house, I don't need to express how the breakdown affects me every freakin day. Sometimes it doesn't! Course I still get nightmares but that doesn't affect the way I make my breakfast every morning: A bowl of crunchy cheerios, and god help them if they get soggy!!!!

Monday, February 21, 2011

journal entry 12

I feel like I've been run over by a truck... I haven't been this sore since I wrestled with the twin tongue mantis of epich.

Let me tell you what has happened today. After my therapy session, which went quite well,  I immediately loaded up the van and we went to our destination. I was moving my operation to the Disney castle! It would be a long drive to florida, so we stopped off at a gas station to get snacks.

That... was a bad idea... For you see, the private detective and commander dick was there, CHATTING! I rallied my men! I darkened the sky, floated myself, and covered myself in lighting! I summoned many beasts of great horror and peanut butter, and beckoned them to rid me of their puny existence. The private dick called on his super men assassins and commander freedom went to "attempt" to dispose of my horrific minions. I'd like to see him try... these thing's are scarier than those SPAWN monsters.

The Commander dick was struggling with my minions, and the private dick was cowering in a corner. I waved off his men like they were mere insects in my way. My henchmen had over powered most of them, and dickwad was too busy fighting off my horrors to do anything to protect the private eye. At last! After ten years, my revenge was at hand! I lifted myself down, blowing out all the lights and setting aflame to the snack area. There he was... hiding in a corner, soiling himself, fumbling with his pathetic little revolver... I had him, I had him! I extended my hand to barbeque his ass, and then suddenly I was outside and my head was throbbing... Apparently we had missed a gigantic body guard he hired. The guy was the size of a house, practically! He was just climbing out of a hole in the side of the convenience store that I think I may have made with my body... and he was racing over to me. I was feeling a bit dizzy at this point, but I think one of my students rescued me or I turned him into a tortise... or maybe I was unconsious I'm still not really sure... my head is just POUNDING!

I do remember waking up to another hulk sized body guard carrying me over his shoulder to the private eye. He grunted out something like "What do with him?" and I quickly grabbed his nipple and gave him the worst purple nurple ever given. It was so bad, master would have cringed! For you see, dark magicians do not simply twist the nipple, we send the damn thing to oblivion in a hand basket and REALLY twist it, freeze it, burn it, and then fry it!! I think  I made him cry too, mmmm delicious!

So... after being sent through a wall, and suffering a pounding head ache... I once again face my arch nemesis! I remember gripping my electrocuting hand... and then I remember my face being in the private eye's lap... I opened my eyes and I kind of hesistated... did I just have sex with this guy...? Did I get hit over the head with something heavy....? I stayed there, kind of getting my senses back. Yes... yes there's a REALLY bad pain in the back of my head... and talking.. yeah talking... and the private dick guy was groaning. HA! I had landed my face into his yarbles! Take that! And then I realized something else: My face was in his yarbles. I shot up, and wiped my face many times. I can still feel his junk on my face! EUGH!

After taking a moment to recover myself, I immediately looked behind me to see the store clerk holding a large folding chair. What is this wrestling!? I know I'm in a costume and mask but we're not in freakin mexico! I'm not a damn Lucha libre! I gave him horrible nightmares that would never leave him, and then turned back to my nemesis... again... But before I did that I took a quick look around to see if anyone else wanted to pot shot me. Finding no one, I returned to my nemesis to see-...that he had left. The little cry baby was running out the back door. I gave a howl of ethereal volumes and beckoned my students of the night to stop him! Yes I know it's corny and over done but it gets the message across of me wanting him and them needing to prevent him from running. It's quicker than saying all that.

Three of my best students, training in both the martial prowess and magic, springed into action and drop kicked him like a sack of potatoes! I call them my magical ninjas. Nifty name right? I slowly and menacingly marched toward him, again, and savored his final moments of life, while the sound of combat was.... quiet?

You remember how captain dick was fighting off my monsters? Well I guess he tied them all to a lamp post and was now B lining it toward me, because all of my magical ninjas were looking up like a flying saucer had just appeared, but it would be no flying saucer, NAY! It would be a homosexual in black spandex with a giant F on his chest, flying toward me with something heavy! I looked around slowly, and then all I remember were seeing stars, and I think some birds flying around my head... Quite a few birds, actually. It was cute, them flying around my head going "tweet tweet!"

I awoke inside my room, with my student medical staff tending to my wounds. They had informed me that when I was struck I actually stood, blanketed in fire and lighting, and proceeded to.... well beat the crap out of him like a second grader... And I guess he threw me into a nearby car. No wonder my back aches... BUT never you mind!! I shall recover and exact my revenge!

Now if you'll excuse me the pain killers are kicking in and I feel like singing along to Oklahoma!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Journal entry 11

So I went to my therapy session with the other triple M. Bad move. He turned my therapist into a three headed frog (i called him toaderus.) I had to change him back and then he told me either leave or take the parrot back home and come back. I had to poof back home and back to therapy, rather annoyingly... He then asked me why he would bring a copy cat parrot home to a magicians home, and how that made any sense. Sheesh, someone was grumpy....

After the usual talks I told him I was having bad nightmares. And I have been. All with mother. Mothers face would be on monsters or men I fight. He gave me a prescription, take them when I have the mommy dreams, he said. I can't believe this... I have to take pills... I've never taken pills before, not even for head aches. I drove to the pharmacy, a strange, silent white place, with people working behind a counter, and book shelves filled with... not books. A short man wearing a white laboratory coat gave me a small white bag with something inside of it. I quickly drove home to stare at the orange and white bottle. Pills, huh....

Nevermind, I said, I have things planned for today and so shall it be done! There was a movie I wanted to see at the little rock movie theater, called the sanctum. I had hoped it was about necromancers but it was about some pricks getting lost in a hole. I am never going to see another movie in a theater again...

Well after that I decided to start one of our lessons early today. I taught the students how to use bael fire. It's quite simple, really, you just focus on your target and make fire appear. How hard is that? Apparently difficult because many students lit themselves on fire... Luckily I know how to use ice mist, and it makes a wonderful fire extinguisher.  So after that failure I thought now would be a great time to teach them how to levitate! Yes... levitation... much safer... what could go wrong... Many students launched themselves into the air, usually upside down, god knows why... So then I thought now would be a perfect time to meditate! Yes, safe meditation.... HALF OF MY STUDENTS FELL ASLEEP!! I made a loud thunderclap and a fourth of them crapped themselves!! After that I stormed out and to my study, where I could spend time with oscar, my hedge hog.

Honestly not much happened today... it's another one of -those- days... Tomorrow I'm planning a heist so, stay tuned!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Journale entry 10

So you remember that whole steal some computer stuff to make a monster out of machine parts and electricity? I thought I'd give that another whack. This time I printed out map quest directions. Yeah that's right I had to do it! Laziest. Henchmen. Ever. This time we wouldn't get lost and have to rob second rate shit stores....

The area we were raiding was an electronics warehouse. It was basically a place where they held all of this stuff before shipping it out to their respective companies or to be shipped to make computers. It's sort of a staging area for computer parts. I didn't need anything specific, just something to carry an electrical charge. I didn't even really bother to storm the place fancy like, just blew the doors off their handles and grabbed whatever I felt necessary to make a 40 foot tall electrical demon. We did just that, and I used telekinesis (and my henchmen) to grab whatever we could, but mostly computer chips, long computer chip sticks, and  the very large and square mother boards. We collected many a boxes, with many chips and boards and sticks! That was the first step of this monstrosity.

 The second step was finding something to attach all of this too. Now, the mortal realm does not have any monsters of the 40 feet tall variety, so I just had to make due with the largest land walking animal. But African Elephants are a bit heavy so I just went with a really big ass gorilla. Have you ever tried to kidnap a gorilla?? Those things are nasty! It bit almost all of my henchmen and punches a few of them! I finally had to put a spell of binding and a curse of sleep on the damn thing, that way it wouldn't kill any of my henchmen.

Phase three was to take the computer parts and attach them onto the gorilla. Since I wanted him alive we couldn't just stick them onto his skin and leave it be, so my students had to use super glue or duck tape. The gorilla was constantly unconscious during the whole time, mostly because I knew he wouldn't cooperate.

Phase four was to activate the beast! I had him moved him to the hanger so he wouldn't destroy my house. We had to enlarge, and at the same time, electrify him! So I did both! With one hand I casted lighting upon the motherboards, and on the other a spell of growth. He slowly electrocuted and grew. He grew and grew and grew... and... well grew.... and he kept growing, actually, even after I stopped casting it. I guess I should have just blasted him once. The goal was complete, however he was far too large to handle, so we had to chase him out and into the city. Now.... I don't usually like to cause urban damage but, wow. This was awesome. He was shooting lighting out of his eyes, his hands, his ass, his toes. Wow! I did one hell of a good job.

Let me tell you of someone that lives in the city that I REALLY hate! His name is commander freedom or captain freedom or something.... but I call him commander dick. He's a total super man wanna be... Always flying around yelling FREEDOOOOM like some fucking william wallace wanna be dick weed. He's always fucking up most of my grand plans. If it's not this guy its that private dick guy. He killed my giganoid electrical gorilla! I didn't ask him to fucking butt in and take care of my messes! I had this totally under control as soon as I packed in all my henchmen into the shuttle and made sure they went to the bathroom and what not...

He just... killed him! What a dick... I would have sent him to the second realm eventually! And then, commander dick just flew in and decided to scold me! The Menacing Magic Man does not take to scolding! I lit his hair on fire and then catapulted his ass to the moon!

Shouldn't be seeing that prick for a while...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Journal entry 9

Because I did not have therapy today, I really don't have much to post about, so I merely took care of some chores around the house. I had to clean windows, dust my librarium, and get rid of the wretched chupacabra infestation in my garden. Little bastards.

So I went to South America to interrogate a local voodoo witch doctor. He had information that I was looking for in tracking the dreaded chupacabra demon of mexico. Yes, they are real, not just tasmanian rodents. One was infesting my garden... I needed to figure out how to kill one. Bael fire and dark ice shards were not working. Apparently you need fresh rats blood and rats milk. The first was easy, the second? I don't even want to think about it... So after gathering all of this, I put it into a trap, and the little bastard didn't buy it. So I finally said to hell with it and yelled 'Borde narem illith maledictum, I send you to the ninth subway of the terrace of malice!!!" Little bastard can go hang out with the real monsters...

However, while I was in South America I happened upon a new friend. His name is also the Menacing Magic Man... oddly enough. I never thought I'd meet another triple M. I decided to take him with me. I set him up near my hermit crabs, earl and giganto. They have been very good companions as well.

Now the downside of keeping the menacing magic man is that he repeats the spells that I have been practicing in my chambers... and on many occasions he has summoned himself an extra head or a flower out from his behind. I have considered casting a spell of silence on him, but I rather like him with two heads.

So... yeah.... I know I am suppose to write for two hours but unless you want me to tell you about how my entire day went, you're out of luck. Go read someone elses internet journal log.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Journal entry 8

So today I said I was going to do a heist.  That WAS the plan... but with yesterdays encounter with the private dick, I made plans to raid his place of business. I first sent in a spy to see if his team of assassins and muscle men were there. We got an answer when the spy flew out of the open door. Obviously they knew we were here, so we had no choice but to burst out of the bushes and begin assaulting them. We assaulted them with bael fire, lightning and many shards of dark ice,  while they returned fire with their silly little bullets and knives. Some of them had swords, which was weird... considering we don't use melee weapons. Maybe they thought that they could get close enough to us to do any real damage. It was quite adorable, really.

We advanced even further from the bushes and into the parking lot. Some of the troops said we should take position into the pay less shoes, and I said that we should take refuge behind the many cars that are around us, they are the suburban trenches! I then floated up in the air, summoned lighting around my body, and summoned a thousand flies as a smoke screen! My students of darkness charged the room, and the plan was to grab him. At the time I was unsure who we had gotten, but we had someone relatively his height, same shoes and same pants. We had to retreat because I had five henchmen down, and I got a paper cut somehow... I think someone threw a business card thinking they were gambit from x-men. For one, it was not a playing card. Everyone knows it only works with playing cards. Secondly, it did not explode.

We made a hasty retreat back to the shuttle vans and drove off. I put a spell of unholy binding on our prisoner, whilst we drove to the taco bell to get snacks! The henchmen were hungry.... Anyways! I found it odd that none of the private detectives men were not chasing us... Perhaps we were just that good! My smoke screen of flies had worked! We took him to my lair and put him and a group of my students of the night into the dark dimension! We had him tied, strapped, and bounded to a chair! We began to roam him, question him, PROBE HIM!! But he would not give up his secrets! I then began to dive into his mind to reveal all of his deepest fears and bring about the end of my nemesis, AND TAKE MY REVENGE!

Remember about a week ago or so when this part gets weird? well it turns out the man was afraid of giant eyebrows and grilled peanut. I commanded the chef to bring us a sandwich of grilled peanut butter and banana kind, and then commanded one of my henchmen to bring us some giant eyebrows! The chef brought the sandwich and the student rolled in a television with a digital video disc player. No idea why either... he mentioned something about a Japanese animation called Fooly Cooly... the words were quite foreign to me, and I consulted my big book of spells to ascertain their meaning! Not finding them, I made a note to seek my master later. We set the sandwich on his lap and hit the play button. A man with giant eyebrows came to the screen, and I giggled with delight! I pulled his hood off in ecstatic delight-...only to find out we had the wrong FUCKING guy!!! I boomed to bring me the student who grabbed the wrong person, so that I might melt his face off!!! Although on a positive note we did freak him into insanity and into some sort of insane coma... he was foaming at the mouth and his pupils had dilated. I simply tossed him into the vortex of nether return... Not like he was any use to me.

After that useless thing, it was growing quite late, so I grabbed a book, and put on a group that I recently heard while hunting a rogue succubus in Brittan, the Ramones. I asked them what their relation to Ramon the magician, but they told me to "Sod off, wanker." Not sure what a soldering iron had to do with anything... And then I grabbed my pet Oscar and we got into my comfy chair. I've had Oscar for a few years now, he is my hedge hog. He loves sitting by the fire place with me.

So this day was a total failure... hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Journal entry 7

So I didn't write one on Sunday. Sue me. I don't plan to write them on Sundays.

Today was my scheduled therapy session, and he has told me that he would like to see me twice a week instead of three times a week. So, I feel confident that our talks are going well. I always assumed people went to therapy because they had been in a nut house for several days. Turns out I was right.... it's difficult for me to write about what we talk about, mostly because it's none of your fucking business.

So, we'll just skip that then. Today I had a visit with my master and one of his friends, as is mine: The Caped Conjurer. We studied together, and we even went on a few heists prior to my rise to power and needing henchmen. Conjurer is a solo act, mostly because he's so bad ass he doesn't need henchmen. I however feel like if I don't have henchmen I'll appear to be some second rate supervillain, kinda like the guys from the spider man comics. I told Conjurer that I wanted to be like a magical version of, say, the joker, but without the clown crap. Him and I went to the same shadow kabal that produces guys like us, basically super villains or world leaders. Some people say that the kabal controls the world, but they don't... if they did they'd have a better looking kabal than that shit stain... Seriously the wall paper was peeling off it was pathetic. Anyways.

So we went out to lunch at one of the local super villain restaurants. My master immediately questioned why I had chosen this life instead of becoming a dark necromancer or a demon tamer. I told him that necromancers were dicks and demon tamers were the same as lion tamers: lame. I wanted the glamor and the action that comes with super villainy; plus they throw some great parties. Last year I went doctor robotico's bash, holy crap... I am still trying to figure out how the fembots work, and why they are always trying to get me into another room alone with them. They must have thought I was their tech guy or something... Don't know how they could confuse that, though, I basically dress like a better Arthur Dent, if you know who that is. You should read the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy sometime... Fantastic read, actually.

So master, Conjurer and I caught up a little. I refused to tell them about my nervous breakdown. Conjurer was apparently getting ready to move to another dimension to do his evil deeds from there. He was selling his old place to a young and upcoming evil alchemist. I had to mock him, and asked the conjurer if he still believed he could make gold out of garbage. Apparently, the alchemist did, and in fact he was still looking for the philosophers stone. We should have told him we have five in the kabal. Maybe we could lend him one! HA!

Just as our lunch had arrived, I saw HIM!!! IT WAS THE PRIVATE EYE! I jumped out of my seat and yelled "YOUUUU!!!" And shot lighting from my hands! He dodged and fired at me with his pathetic gun! I easily sent the bullets to another dimension, and assaulted him with flames from another realm! My master and the Caped Conjurer jumped to their feet to assist.... HIM! THE SWINE!! They grabbed me and asked the stupidest question ever: What am I doing. WHAT THE HELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM DOING! I am trying to send my arch nemesis TO THE GREAT BEYOND!!! They said it was ridiculous that some private detective would even have earned the wrath of my hatred! By the time I explained it all to them, the detective had, legged it, as he says. The coward! I threatened both of them with my wrath! But... they said they'd heard that line a million times... Then they proceeded to mock me for trying to kill a lowly private eye. I NEED NO REASON TO KILL MY ARCH NEMESIS! They so desperately asked me why, why did I want to kill him. Let me tell you all why that detective has earned my wrath!

It was nine years ago. I was celebrating my year anniversary of being a super villain by summoning an entire harem of women (not succubi, I planned to keep my soul that night...) We were just in the middle of the ceremony, when this... this yellow jacketed DICK walks in the middle of it and thinks we were trying to summon someone named Lucifer, or whatever the name was... I told him to go away and take his nonsense elsewhere, but he pulled out his puny weapon and shot one of my best men. What few students of the night I had that weren't knocked unconscious by the sudden interruption in the summoning spell, were trying to stop Jason's bleeding, while I was in the throws of deep combat with this yellow jacketed menace!! I kept throwing fire at him, but he was too fast and his STUPID yellow jacket was like flame proof or something! I tried lightning, bael fire, nothing! It was like the guy was a ghost! But the douche was just some private dick... He ran away and I had to tend to my fallen student. We buried him that night, and I swore that I would send him to the worse place known to man. I also told them that later I realized it was the same guy who did better than me in college, so really it was a double whammy.

They sort of giggled...

Let me tell you about my master. He was trained in the other world by the fearsome daemon of the tenth archway. Their ranks are the same as the military. The higher the number the more command and death they wield. He trained for one hundred years under his command, and then he opened up the shadow kabal in the mortal realm. He then trained my mother and father trained there; that is how they met. I trained under them and my master as well. I never met the tenth archway power, but  I heard he could turn oceans to steam. Now my master, he is quite the powerful man. I am still surprised he even allowed himself to be seen in public. Some say that if mortal eyes gaze upon his, they would be driven mad...

We finished our lunch, and I was left with the tab. One hundred dollars!!! What the hell did they order!? I begrudgingly paid the tab and told the waiter to tell the chef he had six months. He knows what I am talking about...

Afterward we returned to my house where I made some lovely camomile's tea, and master wanted to discuss something with The Caped Conjurer and I. He was thinking of re opening the shadow kabal. It had closed many years ago, and he wanted the two of us to help run it with him. I said it was out of the question, because I had other duties to attend to. Conjurer said he would think about it. I had to pull him aside... because I still needed him! He said he would help me with some things... move some furniture.... help summon a soul for interrogation... you know, simple things. Though in his defense he did say he would think about it. He doesn't have internet either, luckily....

Tomorrow I believe I am scheduled for a heist. I will write about that, TOMORROW!! And perhaps I will share more on tuesday.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Journal entry 6

 An update on charlie, he is doing fine. He will be home tomorrow.


I have a terrible confession. For the past ten years I have been stalked by a dutchman, and he is the only thing on this planet that I fear most. He just... stands there... staring at me... he breaks out of jail once in a while to stare at me from my lawn or wherever I happen to be raiding. He just stands there... staring... I believe him to be a being from another dimension, letting me know that the end time is soon.

Let me begin by telling you how it all happened. I remember it was late at night, around 2 am, and I wanted a drink of water. Unfortunately none of the henchmen were available, so I had to get myself my own glass. That's when I stumbled upon him... I call him the dutchman haunting. He was standing in the middle of my kitchen, and I conjured up a spell of bael fire to banish the dutchman! He merely stepped to the side. No one has ever dodged my bael fire! I ran to the alarm, but he was there, with those eyes! I used my psychic scream to rouse the lair, and the henchmen came down, weapons and spells in hand, ready to attack the dutchman haunting. But, when they all came... he was gone. Obviously I wondered if I had finally gone insane, but my veteran charlie ran a third eye sweep, and signs show that he was quite real. We put the bunker on high alert with roaming patrols, and also called the police. I mean really who just breaks into a mans secret underground bunker!! The nerve of some people!

He has shown up many times after. My count so far is about one hundred and seventy three. He has been there on heists, on vacations, under water, on mountains, simply staring him. I only know he is dutch because one time he tried to ask me for money in dutch. At least I assume that's what he was asking me. He had his hand held out and everything. I incinerated his hand. Now he stares at me with a missing hand.

I once confronted him, you know. I sent him to the third realm of chthluk sharam, brought him before a tribunal, and demanded to know what he wanted. But he just stood there... staring at me... The tribunal had to let him go because he was not cooperating. He would continue to haunt me, so I sent him to the ninth hellpit in the zone of embers. There, he would spend eternity in a semi pit of fire, not on fire but constantly burning. Yet somehow he made it out.

Who the hell is this guy!? What is he obi wan kenobi!? Is the guy from star wars haunting me!? This is rediculous!

In any case, he is still outside of my house, staring at my front window... Luckily I have the borders guarded by demon guard dogs and nightmare sentries. Damn dutch...

Friday, February 11, 2011

Journal entry 5

I write to you in great sorrow... One of my students of the night was injured today. I will be covering this later.

Today was my scheduled therapist meeting. I meet with him three times a week as per his request. The jag is in the shop so I had to astral project to our meeting. The therapist didn't like this so I had to teleport to him instead. He asks me why I just don't do this instead. What kind of stupid question is that!? Why the hell would I teleport to places when I've got that sweet jag to drive around in! I'm thinking of having it painted and making it the magician mobile or something awesome like that.

So today we discussed how to cope with different situations and how to prevent myself from summoning that horrible monster again. I had to stop him because for this kind of thing I would need to consult my master, not some guy with glasses and a pocket protector. He said he didn't mean it quite like that. He merely meant that I need to figure out what caused the sudden focus on her, come to terms with it, and then get past it. I remember it well... I was fighting my arch rival the private detective, and his crack team of hit men. It was quite the terrible battle, and I needed to summon the most horrible monster!! I was trying to go for the gruugrox of yemeni yards, but for some reason... all I could think of what my mother... and I summoned her eternal soul!! She... she scolded me and... and...

I'm sorry I cannot write about this anymore. I am moving on.

Well I teleported back home, feeling quite more confident than I did earlier, so I felt that it was time to pull of a heist! We were running low on cash so we stopped off to rob a bank real quick and then get some milk and eggs. We were running low and I like my morning cereal. And then we headed to our first raid: The international house of pancakes! The henchmen had not eaten breakfast yet. We tore asunder the delicious rooty tooty fruity pancakes and then burned the building to the ground! Then we drove to the outskirts of little italy.

The rumor is that the little italian mafia roams these streets. While I fear no man, I worry for my students of the night! So, we kept a low profile while we went to the center of little italy. We slowly crept down the streets with our shroud of unnoticeable, making our way to the town square. We gathered there, unnoticed until I gave the signal. Remember the unsuccessful raid at the cardboard box factory? That is usually the signal for everything. It's obvious and it looks really cool. Anyways. I gave the signal, floated in the air, shrouded myself in lighting, and then all hell broke loose!!! Flames and lighting and chill winds went in every direction! The square was turned into a flaming arctic wonderland!!

And then the italian mafia let loose with their weapons. A few of the students were shot, and I howled in pain. NO, CHARLIE! I yelled. Charlie was my first and oldest student. I dove deep into the minds of the italian goons and brought their worst fears to the forefront of their minds!!

That is usually a very interesting experience. You see, you usually get a sneak peak at their greatest fears when you do this. Sometimes it's spiders, sometimes it's heights. And sometimes it's a man covered in chocolate pudding hiding under your bed. Ohhhh god! I still have nightmares of that... These goons had fears of their supreme leader! And one had a fear of pink cuddly elephants. I mean really what kind of fear is that!?

They dropped to the floor, foaming at the mouth, writhing and crying in agony, as their mentality was collapsing on top of them!! I ran to charlie, who was gravely injured. We had to abandon our raid on little italy, teleporting back to the shuttles and driving at an unholy speed to the nearest hospital. Usually super villains go to the super villain hospital, but frankly I did not have time to drive all the way there. I held my senior student in my arms and rushed into the emergency room, crying and shouting for someone, anyone to help! The doctors rushed to my aid, and just as quickly as they came, they were gone.They told me police would have to be notified, and I told them how many years they had to live. Suddenly the police no longer had to be notified, which was good because I wasn't answering any fucking questions while my best man was bleeding!

Unfortunately, charlie did not come home tonight. He is not dead, though, but he is in intensive care. I will be visiting him tomorrow. This is one of those days where I wished I had listened to my parents and became a doctor instead of a dark magician.

I need to get some sleep, it is late...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Journal entry 4

I have given these a very simple title. It will no longer publish as (No Title) because I will be giving it this title!

Today's kind of a boring journal entry so you might as well skip to another one...

So as I said yesterday I stayed home today. No heisting, no robberies, no nothing. Just me and the television we have downstairs and some books. I do not watch those sissy shows like "days of our lives" or "as time turns' or some bullshit like that! Super villains have their own network and their own line of programming. I am an avid fan of "the end of days," a very popular korean super villain soap opera. Dong the shogun meisser confessed his love to kyung-soon of the ninth realm, but kyung-soon is holding the child of the shogun meissers most hated rival, the shaolin opressor! How could she do that to him!? They had something special! And she threw it all away! That TRAMP.

Well after my shows I decided to make myself a sandwich. However I have never made myself a sandwich in over twenty years so I... had to ask one of the students of shadow for help. I wanted to make myself a sandwich of pure horror! But all we had was roast beef and gouda cheese. We got the gouda when we went on vacation in holland with the clogger. I got myself some nice wooden slippers engraved with three menacing Ms stacked on one another. I still have them actually. Anyways, so I told the henchmen that I would make my sandwich today. Usually they make it for me but I was feeling adventurous today!! I admit I did struggle a little... didn't quite know where all of it went on the bread.... So I tried all of the meat on the top and the bread in the middle, and showed one of the students of the night. Amazingly he knew how to make a simple sandwich!! I knew I kept these henchmen around for a reason. Now the henchmen usually sprinkle some nice chips of the potatoe variant on top of my sandwich, so I hunted high and low in the kitchen to see where they hide the chips of the potatoe variant! Specifically, the bar be que kind!

Now that I think of it... why are they called bar be que... they do not contain barbs of any kind... Oh well. I proceeded back to my television to watch the super villain hockey match! It was the mad scientists against the black ice. The black ice happens to be my favorite team in the SVHL. However... the final score was 2-4. My only question is... WHAT GAME WHERE THE REFFS WATCHING!? I SHALL SEND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEIR SOULS TO THE KLUKRAKKA OF NETHREL!!!!

So after  my fit with the television I decided to roam my lair. Now normally it is a very pleasant place with fine carpets, velvet draped ropes guarding my precious paintings of summoning circles and great dark magicians. Unfortunately today it was ruined by the sweet scent of the horrible and most wretched herb that destroys the ability to summon spells successfully: Marijuana! I followed it's horrid scent using my 5th sight, and it lead me to the henchmen locker room. And there I found it!!! Three of my students of the night smoking and laughing and carrying on! I made my presence known by turning the bench they were sitting on into chicken fingers! (I was getting hungry for some reason...) They all collapsed into the pile of delicious crispy chicken goodness! "STAND AT ATTENTION!" I yelled with the force of a thousand sons! They stood there, sweating, nervous. I glared at them, and they knew all what I had to say from the force of my dark and menacing glare. I took the bag and incinerated it right there! And suddenly I felt quite calm.... which is odd considering my angry fury of my henchmen. I told them they were grounded and told them no henching for a month! They hopefully learned their lesson, and I had a much better appreciation for those lovely velvet ropes... so soft...

And then I finished out the day with more television watching, a nice book with a glass of milk and my pipe, and went to bed around 10 PM. Nice quiet day, because tomorrow, I plan to attack them at dawn!!! Or maybe after breakfast.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

(No Title)

I dunno if I'm suppose to put a title up at the top or something... Maybe I should put the date? Oh well.

Today has been one hell of a rough day for this super villain... As you all know I'm under therapy, and today was one of my therapy sessions. Todays session went well I think. We talked about issues with my mother, my time spent in the assylum, you know, things like that. I'm making good progress, I haven't had any regressions yet.

I do drive, I have a nice jaguar that I got from a dealership heist. It wasn't the actual jaguar dealership, just some used lot. We couldn't find the actual dealership. I got it a day before my nervous breakdown so I've finally got a chance to drive it around. This baby does zero to sixty in 4 seconds! And it's stopping distance from 60-0 is 148 feet.

And yet some jack ass in a gigantic monster truck rear ended me!!! And he ran off! I melted the steering wheel itself from my rage!! I had to drive using the little things that hold the wheel. You know what they are. I chased his ass down, and it took a while to get him at a red light. In my rage, I forgot I was a user of the dark arts and grabbed the tire iron to smash his window. I stomped toward his door, busted the window in, said "hey tough guy!" and pulled him out of the truck with unholy strength! And yes that is a spell. I dragged his struggling and wriggling body to show him the damages to my jaguar with his face. "See this!" I said to him, "See this!? This is what your crappy truck did! I aughta tie you to my bumper and start driving! You ever go street skiing with your face!?! Now give me your insurance information!" I think I smelled his pathetic fecal matters at this point, as he shakily said he didn't have insurance. So I tied his dumb ass to my bumper and had at it! Once I had painted the town red (HA!) I sent his soul to the 8th prison of jez larah! How hard is it to get insurance on a car!? You know you are suppose to have insurance on your motor vehicle so get it!

After that, I called the super villain insurance claim and told them what happened. They told me there was nothing they could do and I threatened them with my wrath, but he cut me off... I had to order one of my students of the night to get my ledger so I could see how much we had to spend on fixing my jaguar. Luckily we had enough but we would be eating cold cuts for a while... I am not looking forward to ham and cheese sandwich week.

Wednesday is also the day I teach my students how to meditate and summon monsters of their own. Unfortunately if heard by mortal ears it can cause insanity or annoyance. Though I don't know why mortals are nosing in on my affairs. I also wish to know what your obsession is with the weather!? You people are always asking "So how about the weather" as if your skin is unable to detect the temperature, or you are unable to look up! Gah, annoying wretches!

Usually my wednesdays go by quietly and without interruption, but today I had a visit from the neighbors who I have no idea who their names are nor do I care to learn them! One of my henchmen fetched me to discuss a complaint about excessive noise. I told them that they could bury their heads on the third dimension of bakram schroimash and tear their own insides and use their intestines as a rope to hang themselves with! Then slammed the door on them. That showed them!

...but then the cops came about thirty minutes later. I mean really was it totally necessary to call the police? We could have handled this like reasonable adults and sat down to discuss the noise levels... anyways the police said that I had to keep it down or suffer a fine of great monetary proportions! I proceeded to yell at them about the hit and run that I had suffered! They then asked for the mans name. Suddenly I realized that I had killed him and sent his soul to suffer eternal damnation. I quickly told  the officers that we would meditate some other time and closed the door! Smooth move, triple M.

So, I'm broke, and my head hurts, yet again. I think I'll stay in bed tomorrow...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

(No Title)

As per my therapists request, I must spend the mandatory two hours writing. Two freaking hours!!! You know how much I could get done in two hours!? I could probably tear my car apart and put it back together.

So I have an ice pack on my head today to try and stave off the headache that I have. We went on a heist today, or should I say a few heists... my students of the night kept getting lost. I told them to use the map quest! But nooooo they insisted on using the G-P-S! Which, as everyone knows, stands for gay positioning suck! Damn these henchmen!

The goal of todays heist was to rob an electronics warehouse and steal some vital parts I needed for my next summoning! I plan to summon a beast of great horror and imagination! I required many motherboards and processor chips. And no he's not some crappy transformer, I'm not an engineer. Nay! The motherboards and processor chips would be used to give this beast an amplified electricity power. Don't argue with my logic! I am a master of the dark arts! You are merely some schmuck reading someones blog while sitting in front of your computer in your moms basement.

First things first, we had to do a role call and assign the henchmen to a shuttle van, and made sure they all went potty because I sure as hell wasn't stopping. Then we took our convoy of evil (Clever, right?) to the electronic warehouse... or so I thought... God the execution was perfect!! We kicked in the backdoors and threw fireballs and shot up the place! We demanded that they give us all their micro processors and motherboards! Then they said they didn't have them because.. they were an... office... max...  I immediately fired (literally, turned him to ashes) the driver and gave a student of darkness a promotion from henchmen to driver. He then took us to our proper destination which... really wasn't it... it was a hair salon ran by very angry black women! Or at least they were angry when we kicked in their door and lit their customers hair on fire... I swear I thought it was a nether tarantula from the vortices of thrallmoch, but apparently it was someones "dew" as they said... whatever morning mist has to do with hair...

The battle was great and fierce! The throwing of shampoo bottles and dark magic was something to behold! When we left the salon smelt of garnier citrus and sulfur! And also... peanut.. butter look I summoned an imp to take care of the fat one known as sheniqua and her wretched snappy fingers! I thought she was trying to cast curse of insanity on me with all her snapping! That's how we learned the spell anyways.


After firing that driver, I proceeded to promote yet another henchmen to driver and told all that promotions today are highly likely! And then we finally proceeded to our destination! Which... turned out be a kids gap... WHERE THE HELL DO THESE HENCHMEN COME FROM!? I will incinerate all of them!!! If it wasn't for the fact that I thought henchmen were necessary for me to not look like some lame super villain I would have turned them all into demons and had at it! Needless to say I was finally tired of coming up dry and just told them that we would raid this one anyways and take the money and loot whatever. So we went in from the back, and one of the students of flame blew open the door and I floated in all cool like and did my super villain chant, which by the way is:

"Mortals of the corporeal realm! I am the prince of darkness! The terror of the night! The mighty menace of the underworld! I am that which goes bump in the night, the terror of your small childs closet! I AM THE MENACING MAGIC MAN!!" and usually gets followed up by thunder and lighting and the room usually gets dark too.

HOWEVER I got interrupted by some woman with a purse the size of a shopping mall bag! She threw a pair of shorts at my face! I mean really it was just the worst thing that could happen to me. Right in the middle of my speech and BAM SHORTS TO THE FACE! It's kind of like when you get imaginary slapped in the face, that feeling. I slowly peeled them off my face, eyes as red as the sun and stared at she who would dare use childs clothing to attack me! She was this fat oily thing wrapped in a parka and a jean skirt. I floated toward her, and then down to the ground with the shorts outstretched, and quietly said "Madam, do you really think shorts are an appropriate weapon to wield?" But she had that fire in her eyes like most psychopathic mothers have, much like my mother had, the kind of look that even if a trucker held a pipe iron to her face, she would stand her ground. She came back with a pathetic retort: "Do you really think blowing up a kids gap is good for a reputation." AND THEN I PROCEEDED TO FILL HER MIND WITH THE MOST DISTURBING IMAGES KNOWN TO MAN!! I showed her what rosie o donnel and rossanne would look NAAAAKEEEEEEEEED!! Oh dear god I've just done it to myself...

She foamed at the mouth and proceeded to writhe on the ground, crawling and begging for mercy. That is when I floated back up and shouted "STUDENTS OF THE DARK! ATAAAACK!" And it was good! Kinda like something out of the lord of the rings! And not the shitty movies, the novels. I was never one for movies anyways, I am an avid reader. Fireballs, black magic, ice, and childrens clothing could be seen flying in the air. I myself was pummeled by many a purse and stroller. I yelled for a hasty retreat and a quick snatch of the loot! We ran to the shuttles and blitzed out, tires squealing. We managed to get some child clothing, a purse, and $20 dollar coupons to the red lobster. I then fired the driver.

It was getting late at this point, and I was growing ever the more frustrated. We decided to find a red lobster and eat. Unfortunately they did not have room for thirty, so I made room by sending them to the next dimension! Oddly enough they suddenly had room. Go figure.

After a hardy meal and a rather large bill (sonofabitch $200 to feed henchmen!) I promoted another henchmen to driver and we proceeded to what I declared was our final destination. Failure would not be tolerated!

And then I saw it... it was an unlabeled warehouse!! Oh happy days it was! I pulled out the blueprints and told all the henchmen where we were to attack! We would have the building surrounded and would burn it to the ground! However we had to pay for parking first... I am a super villain I do not pay for parking! I said. They were not convinced and told me they would call security if I did not pay. I told everyone to cough up a dollar for the parking fee, which was ten freaking dollars.... I may summon a rat in the toll mans pants tonight...

There it was. It was magnificent. Standing there, with no windows, air conditioners on the roof! All we poised to strike. The signal was when I darkened the sky with cloud of pure black hatred! I raised myself in the air, surrounded by lighting, and called upon the elements to give my area an overcast! My henchmen cut the power, they unlocked doors, they knocked out security guards, and poised to strike, I gave the signal of a loud thunder clap! All the doors blew off, knocking box boys on their asses! I floated in, lighting striking in every which direction! There were fires everywhere you looked. I yelled "Direct me to the micro processors! Muahahahaha!"

But... it was too good to be true... we had... we had raided a warehouse alright. Filled with boxes... EMPTY BOXES!! My howls of frustration could be heard in the next dimension and across the parking lot to the radio shack! I grabbed our driver, hoisted him high, and used him as a sacrifice to summon the greatest minion of all: The Golgotha! Which, if many of you read the bible (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH) will know that it is a demon made of pure fecal matter! I got the idea from that movie dogma OKAY I've seen ONE movie! It proceeded to stink the hell out of the place. And we made our retreat, morale low, and me with an enormous headache, the box warehouse aflame from all the burning fecal matter.

My two hours are up. And yes, I did fire the driver. Where do you think I got the golgotha from!?

Monday, February 7, 2011

(No Title)

After hours of tutorials on how a computer works, I have finally accessed the world wide web! These damn things are impossible to use!! I still cannot locate the any key!

Okay, here goes nothing.

I am the prince of darkness, the mighty menace of the underworld, the thing that goes bump in the night, the terror of your childs closet!! I AM THE MENACING MAGIC MAN!!!

Okay so my therapist said that I should start a journal, but I was like "Fuck that! What am I Anne Frank!? I'm not even jewish!" So instead, I took a computer tutorial class at the local community college, and have taken up blogging! Or as it is appropriately called, internet journaling for whiney bitches. Seriously some of the blogs (even the word is stupid) are just pathetic. "My boyfriend doesn't love me!" or "She glances in my direction at math class, she must love me." SHE PROBABLY SNEEZED YOU URCHIN!!!

 Let me begin with who I am in case you schmucks don't check the paper. I am The Menacing Magic Man, the local terror of the city of Little Rock, Arizona! I know it's... not exactly the most impressive place to be super villaining but it's a good community! And the rent on my place is cheap, I can't exactly relocate because the name of the city is pathetic, but anyways. I am the terror of the night, moreso than that poser batsuck! What kind of superhero doesn't even have super powers?! Oh so what being freakishly tall is a super power?! God, the guy is like the size of a drugged up basketball player holy crap! And what, what his super ability is a fucking utility belt!? Really what is he a big ass boyscout of gotham!? Please...

...where was I going with this again? OH right! I was bragging! For every flood that Little Rock has had, it was by my hands!! Every slight breeze that blew the paper in your face, ME! Every snow fall, ME! Global warming wasn't started by that dick al gore, it was MEEEEEEEE! And maybe al gore helped it out but he stole all the credit for discovering it! I don't suppose you've noticed al gores new "hair style?" The fuckers hair is falling out thanks to you know who. MUAHAHAHA!

Now some of you may be wondering why a super villain is blogging! It is a known fact that no superhero checks the internet! I know this because they are all boring. Seriously take up a conversation with superman my god... it's like he's my dad. And you just know that jerk iron man doesn't have the internet either. He probably uses AOL or some useless internet service like that.

As you all know, super villains need some sort of ability to be considered super villains, otherwise we're just criminals and the cops chase us. I for one REFUSE TO BE ON COPS! I'd rather be on a dignified show, you know, CNN. What does CNN stand for anyways I've always wondered that... Crappy News Network? HA! ZING!

Right anyways. I can manipulate the dark side of the magical realm!! I summon horrors from the dark realm of a thousand screams! I can wield the powers of hate and doom and despair at my command, and with the flick of a wrist, torment spews from my fingertips! But for some reason when I summon monsters they leave this... ectoplasmic trail of peanut butter it's... It's kinda weird... I asked my master about this and he said as long as the monsters aren't allergic to peanuts there's nothing to worry about. But, ykno, I mean, what kind of magic summoner am I if I can't even summon monsters without them thinking I might be hankering for a peanut butter sandwich. Hell I don't even like peanut butter! It tastes like creamy death...

And no I am not some kind of necromancer or warlock or something... have you met those people? I think they're into S&M or some freaky shit like that.... God I remember I was a roommate with this one necromancer in college and he always invited these zombie cheerleaders to his room and had sex with them, god it wasn't even necrophiliac I had to look up what it would be! Zombie sex good god... I mean this one girl came by and half of her face was missing! Ugh I still can see it... I bet he stuck his ding dong in the hole in her face too. YES FREDERICK I AM BLOGGING ABOUT YOU! Screw you! Like I give a rats ass what these people think about me.

Yer probably also wondering why a super villain needs therapy too. For one, I don't do blue cross! I'm a super villain! Blue cross doesn't cover laser shots to the ass! I have a special super villain health insurance plan! And a few weeks back I... had a nervous... break...down THERE I SAID IT!! I lost in the middle of a fight! I meant to summon some succubus but instead I summoned my long dead mother!! It was... horrible... So I was in the assylum for super villains (NO NOT ARKAM! But you know how badly I wanted to go there!? Those doctors are cracker jacks! On top of the ball! On their game! Its like the place is filled with doctor house clones! But no instead I got shots in the ass) and spent a few months there, and I've been seeing a therapist reguarly, trying to figure out why I summoned my dead mother instead of a whore from the nethers.

So anyways, like a good super villain I too have an arch nemesis! He was my rival in college! All the girls fawned over him, he got the best grades, did the best in sports and practically everything he did! And what did he do with his life!? A private detective!!! So to this day I have been stalking him and tormenting him! Course he got smart and hired himself a private hit team to protect him the panzy...

Let me tell you of my lair! I will not reveal it's secret location BECAUSE IT IS SECRET!  But it's a nice underground abandoned bunker that is rent controlled. The land lady is a total bitch too... luckily she doesn't have internet as well. I am also blessed with many, many, capable henchmen, or students of the night as I like to call them. They're all just initiates really, just starting to learn the dark arts. Half of them can barely throw a fire ball. Ah they're all so cute though, I read them stories of the underworld all the time, tuck them into their barracks. Incompetent, but adorable.

Currently I am fourty three. I have been practicing dark magic since I was able to walk, what with my father being a necromancer and my mother being a witch. And I don't mean she had special powers, she was a total crank. Probably why my father turned her into the cat. I went to a university to get my bachelors degree. I majored in applied sciences and minored in music, and it's none of your damn business why! I apparently was the only student there who planned to become a super villain! Daddy wanted me to be a scientist but I wanted to follow in his footsteps! If he didn't want me to become like him then why did he have me train with my master?? Maybe he wanted me to have something to fall back on in case I got bored... yet here I am at the age of fourty three and I'm still kicking! Been doing the super villain thing since I got out of college!

As my therapist has instructed me to do, my two hours of journal writing are up. I am instructed to do one journal entry a day! Well to hell with him I'll write whenever the hell I feel like!!